Rebuilding a Relationship
Rebuilding a relationship that is not longer
working as it once did takes a clear and dedicated commitment from both
parties involved.
When one person puts in all the effort,
or the majority of the effort, they can often feel negative towards the
other.
If both partners are committed to the
cause equally, it makes the rebuilding a whole lot easier.
Old patterns
The problem is; at the start of a relationship we
define many patterns which will last and ingrain ON the relationship over
the years. Eventually as individuals your needs and wants change, meaning
you outgrow these patterns. Yet the original relationship patterns stay the same causing
resentments, ignorance and boredom etc. When these kind of emotions and
feelings arise, they cause arguments which start tearing the relationship
and communication apart.
So the irony is; that those things which we used
to define our relationship at the start are the very things which cause
the relationship to deteriorate later. This is because as individuals our
needs change, and we fail to integrate these changes into our
relationship.
Situations change, and with them so must our
relationship roles.
Clear, honest and open communication are
paramount, as it too understanding. It is wrong to expect our partners to
embrace changes as much as we want them. Especially when it is US whom are
changing the dynamics or situation.
Love lost
Difficulties arise when love has been lost. That
flame or spark which once kept you locked in others arms.
It is a good idea to work back through your
relationship to a point where you last 'felt' the love. Something may have
happened which triggered the change, in either you, or your partner or it
may have been a gradual progression on both your parts.
We must carefully consider where we are as
individuals in our lives and fully understand that we are two people in
one relationship. The things which brought us together have changed and we
both have changed. That doesn't mean we have to break up our relationship.
It simply means many different factors need to be addressed.
Commitment
Rebuilding a relationship takes commitment from
both parties and if one is trying harder than the other, or has greater
expectations then it's going to be harder to re-build.
It is very easy to decide what our partners need
to do, in order to keep US happy. But it is harder to accept the things
our partner wants US to do in order for them to be happy.
We think we know what our partners want, without
even asking them. We presume and presumptions don't always work out. If
you are feeling restricted or unsettled, maybe your partner is too. We so often stay in limiting
relationships out of a fear of being alone, a fear of starting again or
even fears of losing our home, status etc... But fear is a prison of our
own making. To rebuild a relationship, it truly takes a complete
commitment from both of you.
Keeping everyone happy.
You must first look to your needs. If you can both
do this individually, then it is a really useful exercise in re-building
the relationship.
Your needs:
Look at what YOU need for
yourself. That is, not the things you want from your partner. (That comes
later). Look at how much time you need for yourself, your hobbies, even to
just relax, look at how much time you want with your children, partner and
as a 'family'.
Your wants: Next comes what you want from
your partner. This is the hard part. You are not to think of them using
what you know about them. Just list what you want from your 'ideal'
partner. The things you list may be things that first attracted you to
them, things which you used to get. But the list has to be totally
neutral, that is.. don't leave anything off the list just because you know
your current partner isn't/doesn't or won't give it to you. Be as specific
or broad as you like. Ask your partner to do the same
For example; Commitment, reliability, honesty,
laughter, love, shared interests, separate interests, love of film, love
of music, good style, social interests, romance, respect, help around the
house, help with work, understanding.
You Give: Next; we need to make a third
list. This third list is a list of things YOU feel you can give to your
partner. It may include similar items to your previous list; but it is
important that you only write down things you KNOW you can give. Again; do
not think of your current partner, think about what you can give at your
full capacity, not what you are currently giving.
For example; Understanding, Honesty, Love,
Romance, Support, Someone to talk to, someone to listen.
The hard part comes now; when you both have to
read your lists back to yourselves.
Your Give List: Ask yourself if you can or
can not GIVE everything you have listed to your current partner, those
things you are not currently giving you have to ask yourself do you want
to? Then do you feel you can?
Your Wants List: Needs to be discussed with
your partner. Can they give you these things, do they want to give you
these things, do they feel they can?
Your Needs List: Needs to be discussed with
your partner. Can they allow you the things you need, do they want to give
you these things, do they feel they can.
This needs to be done with total honesty. Some
things we can compromise on; but we still need to feel comfortable with
them. We can not compromise on who we are to please our partner. To do so
will simply prolong and extend the difficulties. To do so will just gloss
over things which really need to be repaired NOW before they cause more
damage.
Don't take things personally
It is really hard not to take criticism
personally. But remember you have changed and so has your partner. Your
needs have changed, and so have theirs.
If you partner wants something that you can not
give. Do not take offence. If you want something and your partner can't
give it. Do not take offence.
These are simply pointing out things which are the
fundamental changes in your relationship. These are simply pointing out
the things which have caused your relationship break-down.
We can not BLAME our partners for changing.
Especially not since we have changed too.
Try not to blame
When you approach your partner, try not to place
any blame on him/her for who they are. Making statements like "You are so
insensitive" or "If only you were more understanding", is telling them
what you think of them in a very judgemental way.
To approach such matters in a more gentle way, for
example. "When you do _____ I feel like I'm not understood" instead of
"When you do______ you make me feel like you don't understand me." To talk
about YOURSELF instead of giving them the responsibility. They don't make
you feel things, but their actions might
Working Together.
Don't try to take on too much too soon. Make a
commitment to work on the same 'issues' one at a time. Try to find ways to
resolve and work together on the main issues. And don't expect you or your
partner to find it easy to change their approaches. It takes time to work
in new patterns, it takes conscious effort to remind yourself to stay
calm, be respectful and you will find yourself slipping back into old
patterns if you are not alert.
Working together to re-build your relationship is
essential. If you expect your partner to do all the ground work and to put
in all the effort; you are basically blaming them for all the break-down
in your relationship.
If you feel your partner is to
blame
If you feel your partner IS to blame for the
break-down of your relationship you have some fundamental issues to
address. It takes two people to be in a relationship, and the reasons WHY
you blame them are the reasons that YOU need to address.
If you partner was unfaithful, it is likely you
were not fully giving them what they needed, thus they needed to look
elsewhere.
If you feel your partner never listens to you, it
may be that your approach to 'talking' has been one where you wouldn't
actually sit down with them with the sole purpose of talking, but talking
to them whilst they were busy.
Take responsibility
Take responsibility for your own character flaws
(and we all have them). Allow your partner to take responsibility for
theirs. We can not change other people; but we can change ourselves.
Asking your partner to do something or to change
is NOT going to solve anything long term. Your partner has to want to
change. They will change for themselves, not for you. Whilst we may do
things to please our partners, we don't change who we are unless WE choose
to.
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