Physical and Emotional abuse in
relationships is never ever acceptable.
Physical Abuse, from pushing,
shoving to slapping and punching is NEVER an acceptable form of self
expression or punishment.
Physical Abuse
Physical Abuse, can be even limited to the
throwing of objects at another person, or around the room. But extended to
punching, kicking, hitting, hurting and GBH.
Physical
displays of anger, potentially putting another at risk of being hurt.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse, from controlling
and domineering behaviour and including Emotional blackmail.
They do it because they care...
Wrong. A partner or family
member whom LOVES you, would never
physically hurt you on purpose, they would never use emotional blackmail to
keep you near them.
But he/she loves me...
Would you ever hurt someone you
loved like they hurt you?
If the answer is Yes, well carry on.
But, If you KNOW you would never hurt someone you love, then you should
realise that no one truly would.
They do it to feel in control.
They will do what they need to do to
feel in 'control' and then they will see your need to retreat.
They come
to you and say they are sorry, they say they will make things better, they
say everything possible to reassure you that it was a temporary, never to
be repeated outburst...
Yet it does happen again, and every
time they promise you that it will not happen again.
It will.
No matter what the emotional
blackmail or physical threats have been placed on you. YOU MUST find a way
to quickly remove yourself from any abusive relationship.
Patterns
After hurting you, they come back
and apologise. They tell you things will change, they tell you that they
love you, that they never meant to hurt you, and YOU believe them. YOU
give them a second chance, a third chance, endless chances... yet each
time the behaviour and threats get more severe, more threatening and each
time you put yourself at more and more risk.
Finding escape.
It takes courage to remove yourself
from an abusive situation.
Hiding physical abuse is never easy,
a family member or friend knows you are not that accident prone. If
someone asks you, try to find a way to be honest. Find someone to confide
in, whom can help you to find ways forward.
Hiding emotional abuse is easier, we
can say we are feeling poorly, run down, depressed etc. But it is SO
important for you to find someone to talk to. Because until we do, we
convince ourselves that this kind of thing is NORMAL.
There are support groups if you are
afraid, there is support available. You do not have to suffer alone, you
do not have to suffer.
Being afraid to escape.
Because we've seen the dents in the
walls, and because we've felt the strength behind pushes, shoves and
punches, we are afraid that IF we try to leave this person, that if we
speak out or seek outside help that we will get even more hurt than we
have been.
Quite often our partner will say
"Don't tell anyone or I'll feel so
ashamed" - which is trying to make you feel sorry for them; or they will
say "Don't tell anyone or you'll regret it" - which is trying to make you
feel more afraid of them. Both work well don't they. Both end up striking
the fear of the devil in us. So we put up with it.
You don't have to put up with it.
Threats are made from a place of
fear.
"You'll never see the kids again",
"I'll set all my mates on you", "If you leave I'll hunt you down and
you'll regret it", "If you leave I'll kill myself".
These threats are made from a place
of fear, from a fear of being 'found out'. Their behaviour is based on a
need to control, and by accepting their threats as TRUE or REAL threats,
you are continuing to allow them to control you.
THEY are not your responsibility.
YOU are your responsibility.
If children are involved.
The psychological impacts on
children whom have to watch one of their parents suffer at the hands of
the other parent is not good news.
Our children learn from us. But they
also fear for themselves. Get out before the children start trying to
defend you, or protect you - as they will get hurt by this too.
It is important to be honest to your children,
without making them feel responsible for you. Give them the opportunity to
tell you how they truly feel. If you take offence at anything they say,
they are less likely to be inclined to tell you honestly how they feel in
the future.
From one abusive relationship to
another
We stay in abusive relationships
because we feel we NEED to be with that person. We are afraid to be on our
own, we are afraid of threats and more abuse. Truth is that WE have to dig
within us to find some inner strength, some self worth and self respect.
If we don't, we are likely to find ourselves in another abusive
relationship in the future.
YOU do deserve to be treated better,
but first you need to dig deep and treat yourself better.
When you respect yourself, who you
are. You can hold your head up high. Take responsibility for yourself, and
not your abusive partner.
Being afraid your partner will
harm themselves.
IF they choose to harm themselves,
it's THEIR choice. Don't feel bad, don't accept any blame. It's THEIR
choice to be the way that they are, they harm themselves to get you back,
to get your pity, to control you further.
You are NOT responsible for THEIR
actions (and this is true, when they tell you 'YOU MADE ME DO IT', unless
you physically did it for them, then it is NOT your fault.) We do not MAKE
people do anything. People allow things, make their own choices.
To date; you chose to stay where you
were through fear of leaving. If you decide to leave, understand YOU have
made that choice. And you partner can make their own choices.
THEY chose to hurt you, blackmail you, control you... if they are capable
of choosing to do that to you, then you MUST accept they are capable of
making their own choice about how they treat themselves.
YOU are not responsible for the
self-harming actions of another person.
You are however, responsible for
yourself.
Your Questions.
The following are comments and questions we have received. The opinions
of others are always useful; however DO as YOU feel is right.
(Please note: should we publish your question or comments, We will not
include names/emails and may edit content/change names for publishing, but will always
email you the full response).
Last week, my b/f hit me. We have been together 3 months and I don't
know if I should break up with him.
Physical violence is never really acceptable in a relationship. You
also haven't known him very long, and are still getting to know who he is.
Should you decide it truly was a one off, then just be aware and sure in
yourself that if his behaviour turns aggressive in the future that you
will be out in a shot.
Assess the rest of his behaviour, and the relationship as a whole. Also
look at what led up to the 'hit'. How both he and you dealt with the
situation. Is his anger a problem? Have you seen his temper flare up
before? It is possible he has held back up until now.
Actions speak louder than words, so take a good look at the
relationship as a whole; rather than the single incident.
My partner has said if I leave he'll get his friends to track me
down. I know he has some bad mates. I'm afraid to leave.
It is important that WHEN you leave you tell others of these threats.
People who truly care about your safety will ensure that you are kept away
from danger. If you feel like you can not protect yourself, seek others.
They are like your emotional support army.
Think objectively too; do you know these 'mates', if you do - ask
yourself would they really truly hurt YOU just because you ran away from
punches. My guess is, if they KNEW you'd run because you were being used
as a punch bag, they are more likely to turn on your partner.
I can't afford to leave. I know I have to, but I have no where to
go.
Ok, friends and family first. If they KNOW what you are going through
I'm sure would pull together to either allow you to stay with them until
you can find your feet; or help you to find some safe place to go. If you
don't tell them the full story, they can't help nor will feel any need to
help.
If you have NO friends and NO family to fall back on. You should seek
out a support group. They WILL be able to help you, they WILL be able to
give you options. It will take courage, but it will put yourself in SAFE
hands.
