Letting go of past
emotional relationships is an incredibly difficult process, but not
impossible. The fundamental step is acceptance. However, the biggest step is
knowing you don't need that person to be who you truly are. Let's call
this liberation.
- We are afraid to let go
because we are afraid of change.
- We are afraid of what may lie ahead for us
if we don't let go (and even if we DO). It is often very hard to see life without that person in
it.
- Sometimes we really want to let go, but just don't know how.
- Sometimes we are pushed into letting go,
through pressure from outside sources.
Letting go of your feelings FOR someone.
We've all been there, having to let go emotionally
of someone whom we care about.
It may be your choice, or their choice to break up the
relationship. But something is usually failing, causing the split in the first
place.
We can not let go of someone we love or care about unless we are in the
right frame of mind. We can not easily let go of our feelings for someone
without fully understanding all the reasons WHY we love or care for them.
Everyone is living their life the way they feel
they need to.
You have no problem letting go of things which have
no significance... so why do you place significance on this particular
relationship?
If you can determine the single (or maybe multiple)
reasons why this is significant to you, then you can find a way to heal it.
It may be because of the duration, the material
benefits, the emotional benefits or even your children.
It is a good idea to list all the reasons why your
relationship with this person was so important, and what you loved about
being in this relationship. Keep it simple, no more than 5 words to
describe each point.
For example:-
Companionship
Friendship
The laughter
Security
Now take each individual item on that list and ask
yourself; can you achieve those things individually in your life? Maybe
from different sources (maybe even from a future partner that you may not
even have met yet).
If you CAN see it is possible, but just don't WANT
to meet anyone yet, that's ok. The point we are trying to make is that
pretty much ALL the things your 'ex' gave you COULD potentially be found
elsewhere.
Remembering Why
Now that we understand WHY the relationship meant
so much to us, we now need to (sometimes painfully) remind ourselves of
all the reasons WHY the relationship fell apart.
You may start going down the path of 'I should
have been more affectionate' or 'I should have done more, said more, been
there for them more, listened to them more' etc etc.
The simple fact is that you didn't.
We can not turn back the clocks. All we can do is
acknowledge what we will do if we are in a similar situation in the
future.
Understand WHY you didn't do the things you
'should' have done back then. Most of the time; these will point to 'I
didn't realise' or 'I should have known better'.
There is no point in berating yourself. All you
were doing was acting on the information you had, in the ways that you
knew how.
On the other side of the coin, once we are done
berating ourselves for the failure of a relationship, generally we then
start mentally berating our ex-partners. "They should have told me, they
should have done this, that, something!"
Don't make the fundamental mistake of excusing
them of their behaviour, They were acting in exactly the same way as you
were. That is - they were doing their best.
Again; it is a good exercise without placing too
much blame on either yourself or your 'ex' to list all the reasons why
your relationship failed. Oh and list everything you can think of no
matter how small; if they were fundamental flaws in the relationship then
they must be included.
For example
Lack of communication
Lack of support
Lack of understanding
Annoying habits
Now look back over your list and ask yourself, Do
you deserve to live with those things?
But I Love Him/Her..
We very easily convince ourselves that we are in
love, and that we do not want to let go because we are 'in love' with
someone.
It takes a huge amount of honesty to look at the
relationship from a clear perspective. If you TRULY are in love with this
person, you will be able to view them from an unconditional love
perspective; that is - you do not NEED to be with this person in order to
love them.
There is a very big difference between WANT and
NEED. Whilst you may want this person in your life, you do not NEED them
in your life to love them.
You love this person for who they are and for the
choices they have made. You love this person, every aspect of this person
- and by doing so; means you have to love the reasons why they left in the
first place.
This is who they are. How can you love someone and
not support their choices?
Out of love, we can advise and we can try to help,
and try to caution; but everyone has their own choices in life. And if you
truly love them; (sorry to be poetic) you would give them the opportunity
to fly.
Maria split up from her ex after dating for just
one year. She loved him dearly and every so often after the split, they
would get together. She didn't see that he didn't want to be in a proper
relationship with her anymore, but he still enjoyed her company. Because
she loved him, she kept thinking he just needed time. For several years
this continued and she kept feeling hurt every time he left or started
dating someone else. But he kept coming back as a friend and this gave her
a high. One day, she stood up and realised that if she wanted to find real
happiness, she had to let him go. Maria loved him very much and the
thought of letting him go was very painful indeed. But once she sat down
and realised honestly that she loved him for who he was, and that she
wanted to see him happy, regardless if that was with her or not, she was
able to let go. She realised see, that she could love him regardless of
whether or not she was in a relationship with him. Six months later, she
was in a more happy and fulfilling relationship. Love, you see - has no
boundaries, we have the capacity to love many people in our lives.
Is it all simply a fear of change?
When a relationship breaks down, we feel loss, we feel
anger, we have questions, we feel inadequate.. then we want the good times
back..
With sincere honesty to yourself, have a look at
these following questions
Is it a fear of being alone?
Can you imagine being alone?
Is it a fear of
failure? Having to rebuild your life...
Is it a fear that you'll not find better, that you're too old, too ugly or
just too much! (if it's any of the latter, then just
remember, everyone is beautiful simply because everyone is unique).
Is it a lack of confidence?
Fear of meeting someone new?
Having trouble embracing change in your life isn't
uncommon. So often we want to cling on to the old. Please do see our
'Related Articles' Section below for information on dealing with change.
Acceptance
Letting go means allowing someone else to live their life the way they choose,
it
involves a total acceptance of them as a person.
It's not true that you can't live without 'someone', you
can't live without food and water. We live with ourselves. The only permanent
person in our lives, is the person whom is always with us, never apart from
us.
That is ourselves. The only person we can not live without is
ourselves.
It's not fair on yourself to hold on to past feelings about
someone. It's not fair on other people in your life.
Be the person YOU want to be, and be sure that the other
person is being who they want to be too.
Letting go is actually liberating. It enables you
to make the changes you want to make to yourself and your life. Take comfort from the fact that if you let go, you can move
forward - on to better and more rewarding things.
Looking Back
If you find yourself constantly looking back, you
are not making any headway at moving forwards in your life. Whilst it may
be comforting to re-read letters, pour over old photographs and items of
sentimental value. It's not actually a very constructive process.
If you find yourself doing this; please DO ask
yourself WHY.
It's likely because you feel an absence of them in
your life; that what they gave you has just left a huge gaping hole in
your life. You need to try to find ways to fill it.
If you miss everything about them and you are
without any doubt that there is NO possible way for reconciliation; you
really do have to make a conscious effort not to look back. If you do keep
finding yourself looking back, stick a 'Post-It' on the photo album or box
of 'memories' which says "And this helps me HOW?" on it.
Some days, you'll ignore the post it; but on other
days, it will pull you back to reality and remind you that you need to
move forward.
Unconditional Love
Being unconditional means having no-conditions attached.
Which
means letting go, knowing you can let go and knowing you need not hold
on.
It doesn't mean you HAVE to let go, or NEED not hold on, its
simple acceptance of all is, as it is.
Related Articles
Recommended Reading
Your Questions - Relationships:
Letting Go
The following are comments and questions we have received. The opinions
of others are always useful; however DO as YOU feel is right.
(Please note: should we publish your question or comments, we will not
include names/emails and may edit content for publishing, but will always
email you the full response).
Contact Us.
I'm trying to pull myself together, but I miss my ex so much. I want
them back. What can I do?
Firstly, try to calm yourself. Your focus is all on your ex-partner.
You could tell your ex how you feel. Phone, Write or Talk to them. Not
to be 'desperate' as in I NEED YOU. But to tell them that you miss them,
and want to be with them.
Then, the ball is in their court. If they do not want to get back with
you; you can not take it personally. It's not because YOU are imperfect,
it's simply because THEY want other things. It's going to take some
acceptance on your behalf to allow them to do what is right for them, and
it isn't an overnight solution.
Look at the reasons WHY you want them back, and break everything down
into small pointers. This can be an upsetting and frustrating process, but
often it's simply a case that we are afraid of being alone; or that we
miss caring for them. We have to turn these around and find ways to enjoy
being alone, and to find ways to care for ourselves.
If they no longer feel the need to be in
your life, you have to release them so that YOU can enable yourself to
LIVE your LIFE.
You must DO as you feel is right for you.
Don't do something just because it is suggested, do it because YOU feel
it's the right thing to do.
I'm trying to let go of this guy but he keeps flirting with me I'm
so confused what should I do?
Ask yourself first. Do YOU want him back
if that is on offer. If not. Then ignore it.
If you WOULD go back to him, then next
time he flirts with you, ask him.. "Are you flirting with me?"
If he says No, then say "Sure feels like it" and if he says Yes, then
say "Why are you flirting with me?"
It may be that he wants you back, but is
unsure if you would actually want him back. It may be that he just
misses certain aspects of you, as in some of the things which make YOU,
you. But that he can't imagine being with ALL of you. It may be he is a
complete flirt.
Get answers, by being direct and asking
the right questions. Stop second guessing him.
Lastly, no one should TELL you what to
do. You must DO as you feel is right. Don't do something just because it
is suggested, do it because YOU feel it's the right thing to do.
